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This is the original flashback scene from when Van Helsinki enters the village, which is replaced with Van's voiceover for the final film. It provides much of the backstory for Van, Geoff Vampire, Ford and the Inspector, and less directly, for Fay Loren.

SceneEdit

VAN HELSINKI is standing silently in the middle of the road, eyes shut, with a cigarette in his mouth. Voices can be heard, a sort of mental flashback.


INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE

(Voice Over)

Ah, Helsinki, come in to my office. We have a case. A man named Mr. Løren.




VAN HELSINKI

(Voice Over)

Never heard of him?


INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE

(Voice Over)

Neither had we. Family man, married to wife Esmé, she’s a psychologist, worked here for a bit. And a young daughter, her name is… Fay. But he seems to have got himself into a spot of bother. We received a call from him yesterday evening, he sounded almost deranged, kept mentioning death threats and a man named Geoff.


VAN HELSINKI

(Voice over)

I once knew a man named Geoff. It didn’t end well.


INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE

(Voice Over)

Just head over to the Løren place and find out what you can.


VAN HELSINKI

(Voice Over)

Whatever you say sir.


PROFESSOR FORD

(Voice Over)

This is the place.


VAN HELSINKI

(Voice Over)

Right, stay with me and stay close.


Door knock sound.


VAN HELSINKI

(Voice Over)

Mr Løren. Are you there?


Scream sound effect.


VAN HELSINKI

(Voice Over)

Shit.


Door being barged down sound.




VAN HELSINKI

(Voice Over)

Stop right there.


MR. LOREN

(Voice Over)

No please. Please don’t.


VAN HELSINKI

(Voice Over)

Leave him Geoff, it’s me you really want.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

(Voice Over)

Stay out of this Van Helsinki!


VAN HELSINKI

(Voice Over)

Let him go! This is your last warning!


GEOFF VAMPIRE

(Voice Over)

Couldn’t you just stay out of things for once in your

pitiful little life Van Helsinki.


MR. LOREN

(Voice Over)

Please, I can make it up to you. There’s really no need.


YOUNG FAY

(Voice Over)

Daddy, what’s going on?


MR. LOREN

(Voice Over)

Fay, get out of here!





VAN HELSINKI(Voice Over)

Last warning Geoff!


GEOFF VAMPIRE

(Voice Over)

It’s too late.


There is a gory squelching sound, followed by many sounds of gunshots and screaming.


INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE

(Voice Over)

What the hell happened in there Van Helsinki! I asked you to simply investigate not instigate a bloodbath. Now we’ve got three dead bodies and a great gory mess to try and explain to the evening news. What the hell am I supposed to tell them, when you refuse to tell me anything.


VAN HELSINKI

(Voice-Over)

Two.




INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE

(Voice Over)

What?


VAN HELSINKI

(Voice Over)

Two. There were only two dead bodies. They never found the daughters body.




INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE

(Voice Over)

A missing body and enough blood to drown a dog is dead enough to be official. Face it Van. Your gung-ho misjudgments have resulted in many deaths and this young girl is just one too far. You’re a good man. Hell you’re the best. But I can’t keep you here any more.


PROFESSOR FORD

(Voice Over)

No!




INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE

(Voice Over)

Stay out of this Miss Ford. Look, my advice to you is this. Go home lie low for a bit, wait for the inevitable shitstorm to blow itself out then find a nice quiet job. Sit out your life. There’s nothing left for you to do now.




PROFESSOR FORD

(Voice Over)

So what’re you going to do now?


VAN HELSINKI

(Voice Over)

Go home. Lie low. Then catch that son of a bitch if it’s the last thing I ever do.

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