Vampire redirects to this page. For Geoff's species, see Vampires. For other uses of Geoff, see here


Geoff, from the poster.

Geoff Vampire is a major character in Van Helsinki, and the primary antagonist and nemesis of Van Helsinki in the film.

Early LifeEdit

Geoff's early life is unknown, except that he came originally from the galaxy of Stevenage, thus technically maing him an 'alien'. He was a Vampire, an unusual species who may have inspired the tales of vampires in Earth culture. Geoff seems to have wanted to return to Stevenage, and certainly did by the time the film takes place.

Van HelsinkiEdit

"I once knew a man named Geoff. It didn't end well."-Van Helsinki

At some point Geoff met Van Helsinki, and the two accompanied each other to a church fete. Geoff seems to have won a cuddly duck, a duck which Van felt was rightfully his and that he thought Geoff had cheated to win. Thanks to this early 'betrayal', Van swore to hunt down Geoff in vengeance.

The Løren CaseEdit

"Leave him Geoff, it’s me you really want."- Van Helsinki

"Stay out of this Van Helsinki!"-Geoff Vampire

Sometime later, Geoff somehow won the soul of a man called Mr. Løren. He arrived to collect this, only to find Van Helsinki and his assistant Professor Ford had also arrived. Geoff was forced to kill Mr. Løren as Van instigated a gunfight during which Geoff fled. Mr. Løren's wife was killed during the fire, but his young daughter Fay survied, having seen her father killed by Geoff before her very eyes. Geoff knew of her survival, and with the death of Mr. Løren, he needed to hunt down Fay to continue her father's work in his schemes.


Geoff, during his striptease

The stripperEdit

"Very well, hit it."-Geoff Vampire

Not too long after this, Geoff found what he thought was Fay. By cunning use of his Vampiric powers, he caused it to rain, and then arrived at the house where he knew 'Fay' would take shelter. Unfortunately, the inhabitants thought he was a novelty themed stripper. Despite trying to tell them otherwise, Geoff did oblige, but was quickly sussed out by Man, the man of the house. Geoff revealed himself as a Vampire, and, to prove it, her 'killed' Woman, the woman of the house. This began a fight between Man and Jim ('Fay's' companion) against Geoff. Geoff won this fight, 'killed' the two, and then swooped upon 'Fay', who was trying to ring the police. He locked her in the pantry and returned periodically to check on her. Meanwhile, after ordering Man to bury Woman, he used Man and Jim as his personal slaves and guards of the house, all the while drinking their blood.

Geoff man scream

Geoff and Man panicking at Van and Fay's raid

Van Helsinki returnsEdit

"I don't know. Why don't you try asking me."-Van Helsinki

"You!"-Geoff Vampire

"Yes [flips up shotgun]"-Van Helsinki

However, Van Helsinki had hunted Geoff down, and now he and the real Fay decided to work together to kill Geoff. The two attacked the house, 'killed' Jim twice, and nearly shot Geoff himself. Geoff was forced to 'poof' away. Luckily for him, Van Helsinki was knocked out by Man, but Geoff was forced to take matters into his own hands and 'bangarang' Fay when she 'killed' Jim, Man and Woman.


Geoff and his allies laugh at Fay's lack of understanding

The schemeEdit

"Well, well, well. How the mighty have fallen. It seems that you are once again mine Van Helsinki."-Geoff Vampire Geoff had both Fay and Van Helsinki taken to his lair and tied up. He explained to Fay that he was a Vampire and an alien, and then brainwashed the pair. As he was about to transport them all to Stevenage, Svetlana, angered at being imprisoned by Geoff, arrived, disabled his teleporter, and told him to stop it all. Geoff refused and set all of his pawns on her. After a short fight, all the pawns were 'killed' or knocked out. Geoff 'poofed' when Svetlana threatened him. She responded by smashing his control panel, stopping his brainwashing.

The ChurchEdit

"So you made it then."-Geoff Vampire

Geoff and Van face off, from the trailer.

"Yeah. It’s odd being back here. After that fete I never thought I’d see this place again."-Van Helsinki

Geoff ended up in the Red Herring Church, where the fete had taken place years before. Van Helsinki, having discovered his location, ran there and confronted the Vampire. The two talked like old friends, and Geoff finally realised that it was his winning of the duck which had caused all this bitterness, and called out Van Helsinki on it. Helsinki argued back that the duck was worth it. The two of them had a shouting match which Geoff won, only for Van Helsinki to attempt to stake him. Geoff easily shrugged off this attack, and the bullets from Van's M1911, and began a brutal beatdown on Helsinki. Geoff too snapped, and began shouting abuse at Van while hitting him. Geoff broke Van's right hand during this fight, but as the Vampire-Alien prepared to deliver the final blow, Helsinki caught his foot with both hands, and, fighting through the pain of his broken hand, broke Geoff's leg. Helsinki dived on top of Geoff, and, after slamming him into the ground, staked him. Helsinki, battered and bruised, staggered off Geoff's corpse, picked up his equipment, and began the slow walk back, giving Geoff one final salute as he left the church.



Geoff often preferred to use speed, agility and big teeth over guns. This lead to many fist fights. He also uses a frying pan, with the infamous line "Bangarang Motherfucker" against Fay, and in the final scene uses the keyboard to prevent Van Helsinki from staking him (the same keyboard he is seen playing earlier in lieu of a church organ). According to Word of St. Paul, Geoff was afraid of bladed weapons, which caused massive amounts of blood loss to him, hence why he avoided a straight fight with Svetlana. However, he was shown as being adept with a golf club, and was able to absorb massive amounts of damage without seeming to feel it. It has been speculate that Geoff is 'toying' with Man and Jim during the 'golf fight'.

Behind the scenes and triviaEdit

  • Geoff Vampire was played by Michael Plasom-Scott in the film.
  • Geoff's cape and fangs disappear in some scenes, but see here for the in-universe explanation.
  • Geoff is one of the only characters seen on screen, with the exceptions of Professor Ford and Creepy Man, never to use or try to use a proper weapon in this film (Woman never picks one up but she is clearly reaching for a Beretta during the Svetlana fight).