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CharactersEdit

SynopsisEdit

Van Helsinki and Fay run outside the house, looking for Geoff. They encounter the Creepy Man, who reminds Van of the matchbook he picked up as belonging to the Red Herring Church. Van refuses to let Fay accompany him, but she protests, whereupon Van shoots her dead.

Van runs to the Church, and meets Geoff. The two talk like old friends, until Geoff realises that Van's only motivation is the duck that Geoff won at the church fete, which Van wanted. Van attempts to stake Geoff, but Geoff deflects it, and instigates a punch up which the Vampire wins. As Geoff is about to deliver the finishing blows, Van rallies and flips him, giving himself the opening needed to stake Geoff. Van then pushes himself of Geoff's corpse, and staggers off towards the church gate.

ScriptEdit

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT



FAY

Right then, we've had too many ridiculous sidetracks recently. Let's finish this for the last time, and fast.



VAN HELSINKI (who is looking decidedly unhinged)

Right, and remember Geoff Vampire is mine.



FAY

Gotcha...but he's not here is he?


VAN HELSINKI

No.


FAY

Oh boobies.


CREEPY MAN enters. CREEPY MAN lifts up a tape recorder and presses play.


CREEPY MAN

(Through Tape Recorder) Need a hand?


CREEPY MAN presses stop on the tape recorder.


VAN HELSINKI

No, not really pal.


CREEPY MAN writes a tally on his hand and begins to walk off.


VAN HELSINKI

Wait! Can you tell me where Geoff Vampire is now?


CREEPY MAN stops and turns round. CREEPY MAN lifts up a tape recorder and presses play.


CREEPY MAN

(Through Tape Recorder) Remember the matchbook?.


CREEPY MAN presses stop on the tape recorder, nods, smiles, then walks off, fading out as he goes.


VAN HELSINKI

Of course, the Red Herring Church.


FAY

Well I'm coming with you.



VAN HELSINKI

No, this something I must do alone. It's the place where all this began. And now the place where it all will end.


FAY

But we had a deal.


VAN HELSINKI

The deal’s off.


VAN HELSINKI shoots FAY using the Mozambique Drill (two in the chest, one in the head). He then runs off towards the church.



EXT. CHURCHYARD - NIGHT


Dramatic establishing shots of the church. There is thunder and lightning. VAN HELSINKI creaks open the churchyard gate and walks up the path. GEOFF VAMPIRE is standing playing ominous organ music on a small portable keyboard at the far end of the churchyard. He pauses as VAN HELSINKI enters.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

So you made it then.


VAN HELSINKI

Yeah. It’s odd being back here. After that fete I never thought I’d see this place again.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

I think they’ve put in some new stained glass windows as well.


VAN HELSINKI

Hmm, I’m not sure, I think they’ve just renovated the old ones.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

No, you see if you look here.


VAN HELSINKI

Uh huh.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

The old ones never had those. They’re definitely new.


VAN HELSINKI

Ah yeah, I guess you’re right. Hm.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

Well I guess this is it then, we both know that we can't both leave here alive.



VAN HELSINKI

It doesn't have to be like this, we're not that different you and I.



GEOFF VAMPIRE

Bullshit. I'm a homicidally evil vampire alien thing who is hell bent on Machiavellian schemes whereas you are the heroic demon hunting anti-hero.


VAN HELSINKI

I didn't mean that.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

Oh this is about that time I won the cuddly duck at the fair and you didn't isn't it. All this, everything you’ve ever done simply for that duck. The countless lives that have been lost, the hordes of hearts you’ve broken. All for that one duck?


VAN HELSINKI

It was a very nice duck.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

Tough tits tax man. I won it fair and square.



VAN HELSINKI

The hell you did.



GEOFF VAMPIRE

Did too.



VAN HELSINKI

Did not.



The pair starts advancing towards each other.



GEOFF VAMPIRE

Did too.



VAN HELSINKI

Did not.



GEOFF VAMPIRE

Did too.



VAN HELSINKI

Did not.



GEOFF VAMPIRE

Did too.



VAN HELSINKI

Did not.



GEOFF VAMPIRE

Did too.



VAN HELSINKI

Did not.



GEOFF VAMPIRE

Did too.



VAN HELSINKI

Did not.



GEOFF VAMPIRE

Did too.




VAN HELSINKI

Did not.



The pair are now right next to each other.



GEOFF VAMPIRE

Of course I did and you know it.



VAN HELSINKI

I guess you're right. I suppose I'll just be off then...



VAN HELSINKI turns to leave.



VAN HELSINKI

(Continuing).... Oh wait! Eat stake motherfucker!



VAN HELSINKI quickly spins round and goes to stab GEOFF VAMPIRE with the stake. GEOFF VAMPIRE is to quick and merely hits him with the keyboard. VAN HELSINKI staggers backwards, before falling over. VAN HELSINKI pulls out his Colt M1911 and empties the clip in to GEOFF VAMPIRE'S chest. GEOFF VAMPIRE shakes a little, but stays upright. He looks mildly amused.

GEOFF VAMPIRE

First rule of vampire slaying darling. (kicks gun aside) Bullets do bugger all.


GEOFF punches VAN HELSINKI.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

Oh come on. Did you really thing it would be that easy?


GEOFF VAMPIRE walks over and drags VAN HELSINKI to his feet.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

That was pathetic.


GEOFF VAMPIRE punches VAN HELSINKI to the floor again. VAN HELSINKI struggles to get up.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

I’ve seen elderly asthmatic sloths with quicker reactions than you.


GEOFF VAMPIRE kicks VAN HELSINKI


GEOFF VAMPIRE

Come on! Hit me with your best shot!


VAN HELSINKI tries to crawl away. GEOFF VAMPIRE merely stamps on his hand, breaking it. GEOFF VAMPIRE then straddles VAN HELSINKI.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

Paint me like you paint your French women!


GEOFF VAMPIRE punches VAN HELSINKI


GEOFF VAMPIRE

Wop de doddle.


GEOFF VAMPIRE facestomps VAN HELSINKI, and grinds his slipper into VAN HELSINKI'S face..


GEOFF VAMPIRE

What’s wrong? Have your pop tarts popped to soon?


GEOFF VAMPIRE removes his foot from Van HELSINKI'S face.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

I’m going to enjoy this.


GEOFF VAMPIRE goes to stamp on VAN HELSINKI'S face, only for VAN HELSINKI to catch his foot and flip him round, then dive on top of him.

.

VAN HELSINKI (while slamming GEOFF into the ground by his lapels)

I said. Eat! Stake! Motherfucker!


VAN HELSINKI flips his coat back, and draws out another stake. He stabs it down into GEOFF VAMPIRE.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

Aaaaaaaarrrrrghghghgghghghg!


VAN HELSINKI slams his hand down on top of GEOFF VAMPIRE, and twists the stake. GEOFF VAMPIRE dies.


VAN HELSINKI

That duck was mine.


VAN HELSINKI grunts and hauls himself to his feet, picking up the stake, his hat and his gun and starts to head off down the churchyard path. It is now raining. He is clearly badly injured and stumbles several times.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL CREDITS

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