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I'm a Vampire

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CharactersEdit

SynopsisEdit

The scene opens with Geoff Vampire (the shadowy figure) having appeared inside the house without anybody noticing. Disappointed by the lack of the stripper, the group suggest to Geoff that he perform a strip-tease, and, despite protesting that he isn't a stripper, Vampire eventually obliges. However, this is cut short when Man realsies that he isn't really a stripper due to his order of taking his clothes off being 'unprofessional'. Geoff then reveals that he is, in fact, a Vampire. Man and Jim do not believe him, so Geoff obligingly demonstrates by biting and 'killing' Woman. This convinces Jim and Man (Svetlana having gone to change), who, rather unreasonably, are unhappy with the outcome of this proof, and attack Geoff. After a battle, Geoff 'kills' both of them too. Svetlana, seeing the final moments of the battle, flees to ring the police, but she only has time to report 'a most henious crime' before Geoff disconnects the phone and swoops upon her.

ScriptEdit

INT. DRAWING ROOM - DUSK



GEOFF VAMPIRE (the shadowy figure) is standing browsing books as the group enters. No one notices him.



MAN

That's a real shame, I was actually rather looking forward to that.



WOMAN

Yes, a novelty themed stripper really would have livened things up around here.



JIM

Well what about him? (Points at GEOFF VAMPIRE)



GEOFF VAMPIRE

Hmm, me?



MAN

Yes, you, show us what you've got.



GEOFF VAMPIRE

But, umm, I'm not a novelty themed stripper.


SVETLANA

Oh go on, it'll be fun.


JIM

Yesh!



GEOFF VAMPIRE

(In an ominous vampire voice) Very well, hit it.



Sensual burlesque music starts to play and GEOFF VAMPIRE begins to strip. Like The Blues Brothers the stage transforms and glitzy mirror ball lights come on. There are now lava lamps and many other jazzy items in the room. GEOFF VAMPIRE strips. Taking off his cape, shoes, suit and shirt and socks. He is about to take off his trousers.



MAN

(To Himself)

Hold on a minute…



Cut between GEOFF VAMPIRE’S items of clothing and MAN’S face.



MAN

(To Himself)

He’s doing it wrong… (To The Room) No, no, no, stop.



There is a record scratch sound effect. The room returns to normal.



WOMAN, SVETLANA and JIM

(Disappointed) Nawwwh!



MAN

No, no, no. No more. This man isn't really a novelty themed

stripper.



GEOFF VAMPIRE

(Putting his clothes back on) Well I did try to tell you.



MAN

No, no. No excuses. No real stripper would attempt to take his trousers off before his vest. That just creates an anticlimax. It's unprofessional!



GEOFF VAMPIRE

Hey! Now look here...



MAN

No, you look here mister. You come wandering in to my house claiming to be a novelty stripper then disappoint my guests and me. It makes me fume.



SVETLANA

Um, I think I’ll go and slip into something a little more comfortable.



MAN

Yes, you do that. Meanwhile, we shall unmask our mystery guest, Jim, grab him.



JIM

How do you know my name?




MAN

Um, lucky guess... now grab him.



JIM

No, you grab him.



MAN

Well I'm not grabbing him, you grab him.



JIM

No way man, you grab him.



MAN

I told you I’m not grabbing him, you grab him.



JIM

I’m not grabbin’ him, you grab him.



MAN

No, you grab him.



WOMAN

Oh for the love of sensual swimwear! I'll do it!



WOMAN gets up and takes GEOFF VAMPIRE by the arms. SVETLANA has left the room.



MAN

Now who are you really?




WOMAN

I bet he's from the luncheon club!



MAN

Oh! Hoighty toity luncheon club ay! Come to rain on my parade? Well I've told them once and I've told them twice, Mrs Muggins did not deserve that luxury yachting holiday and I'm not giving it back, not for love nor money.




GEOFF VAMPIRE

Excuse me, if I may interject, there seems to have been some mistake. I'm not from the luncheon club, I'm a vampire.



MAN

Ah Vampire ay! Well I'll tell you what you can do you can just go and... Wait, what? Did you say vampire?




GEOFF VAMPIRE

Yes, yes I did.



MAN

Golly, that’s quite a claim… You’ll have to prove it.



GEOFF VAMPIRE

Erm, right ho, mind if I borrow your wife?



MAN

By all means.



GEOFF VAMPIRE smiles revealing vampiric teeth. The door behind JIM and MAN swings loudly shut. He takes WOMAN by the neck and kills her. There is much screaming and splattering of blood. JIM and MAN look on horrified. GEOFF VAMPIRE stands up wiping blood from his lips with a handkerchief. WOMAN is lying in a pool of blood.




MAN

Good lord look what he did.




GEOFF VAMPIRE

I hate to say I told you so.




JIM

He killed your wife!



WOMAN

I'm not dead.



GEOFF VAMPIRE

Quiet you!



WOMAN

But I'm not dead.



GEOFF VAMPIRE

I said quiet you!



JIM

Well if she's not dead... He, um, he.... He vulgarised your wife!



WOMAN

I’m not really his wife.



JIM

Oh.



MAN

Get the beast. (Battle cry)



JIM

(Joins battle cry)



JIM and MAN grab golf clubs and attack GEOFF VAMPIRE. A fight ensues. SVETLANA, now in a different dress, is sitting

by a mirror arranging her necklace. She gets up and wanders back through the house humming to herself. The music stops when the camera is with SVETLANA outside the DRAWING ROOM. The fight is inter-cut with SVETLANA walking peacefully through the house. SVETLANA gets to the DRAWING ROOM and opens the door. The scene inside shows the fight in full swing with GEOFF VAMPIRE clearly winning. There is blood everywhere. Open close door routine, noise, no noise. SVETLANA finally enters.



JIM

Morning dear.



The others pause and look up.



MAN & GEOFF VAMPIRE

Morning.



The fight continues. SVETLANA screams, quickly runs out and shuts the door behind. She slides down the door and makes a grab for the phone on table, dialling 999. Split-screen phone call; OPERATOR is sitting at a desk with a single phone on, on the wall behind him is a map with lots of pins and string stuck in.



OPERATOR

Hello this is 999, which service do you require.



SVETLANA

Police.



OPERATOR

Certainly, one moment while I put you through. (Clears throat) Ethan!



POLICE OPERATOR enters behind OPERATOR.




POLICE OPERATOR

Yes?



OPERATOR

(Standing up from his seat and holding out the phone)

It’s for you.



POLICE OPERATOR takes the phone and sits down.



POLICE OPERATOR

'Ello, 'ello 'ello, hand hwaht may hi hask his going hon ‘ere then?



SVETLANA

I wish to report a most heinous crime...



The line goes dead. SVETLANA looks up to see GEOFF VAMPIRE holding the disconnected phone cable. He drops the cable and swoops menacingly towards SVETLANA. She screams.



-AWESOME TITLE SEQUENCE WITH BOOMBASTIC MUSIC-

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