Inspector Someone-Who-Is-Not-David-Bowie

Inspector Someone-Who-Is-Not-David-Bowie, also called 'the Inspector', was Van Helsinki's superior officer in the police force. He worked closely with Professor Ford to monitor Helsinki, and it is hinted at that the two of them work together to keep Van under control.

Early careerEdit

"What the hell happened in there Van Helsinki! I asked you to simply investigate not instigate a bloodbath. Now we’ve got three dead bodies and a great gory mess to try and explain to the evening news. What the hell am I supposed to tell them, when you refuse to tell me anything?" -Inspector Someone-Who-Is-Not-David-Bowie (in a cut scene)

During Van's flashback sequence, the Inspector is implied to have been in charge of the Løren Case, and that he believed Fay dead along with her parents, whereas Van was less certain. Inspector Someone-Who-Is-Not-David-Bowie then fires Van from the force proper after Helsinki refuses to explain anything. The Inspector first appears on screen along with Ford when Helsinki is sent into the village. The two men almost immediately start an argument that is broken up by Ford. However, Ford states that the inspector 'cares about' Van, and he does wish Helsinki 'good luck' as the latter leaves to stop Geoff Vampire.


Inspector Someone-Who-Is-Not-David-Bowie, from the poster.


"We don't want another incident"-Inspector Someone-Who-Is-Not-David-Bowie

The Inspector and Ford stay to watch Van in the village, with the Inspector offering Ford various biscuits and them both commenting on the situation. They disappear after Van escapes from the brainwashing, so it is uncertain as to whether they saw him shoot Fay and kill Geoff. They are never seen again, leading to the possiblilty that they do not know what happened to Van and Geoff, and thus have a dead body (Fay's) to deal with, and no witnesses.



Behind the scenes and triviaEdit

  • Inspector Someone-Who-Is-Not-David-Bowie was played by Andrew Crudge in the film.
  • The Inspector was supposed to have a scene at the end of the film along with everybody except Geoff and Van Helsinki, but it was cut.
  • Despite the Inspector being one of the (theoretically) senior and experienced characters, he demonstrates abysmal gun safety, gesturing at both Van Helsinki and Professor Ford with his Beretta, and also pointing to himself with it. It also goes off at the floor in one shot.

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