Man was a major character in Van Helsinki. He is a man who lived with Woman in the village and was mind-

Man, with an M9

controlled by Geoff Vampire.

Before GeoffEdit

Man's life prior to the events of Van Helsinki are mostly unknown, though he seems to have known Woman (or perhaps lived with her) for twenty years. Woman refers to 'that time in Aspen' when 'the skis...were literally on fire'. Given that Aspen is in America, it is implied that both Man and Woman travelled to America, or lived there. Man appears to have belonged to the luncheon club of the village at some point, though due to a disagreement over a 'luxury yachting holiday' he appears to have left. Man apparently had a fondness for pencils. He and Woman's relationship is never explained, but she is 'not his wife', and he 'never loved' her.


Geoff, during his striptease

The Novelty themed stripperEdit

By the time of Geoff's arrival in the village, Man and Woman had settled down in a house together. It appears their only major visitors were a plumber, an electrician and 'the novelty themed stripper'. The  house was, however, very open, as Jim and Svetlana discovered when they turned up for shelter. Man was clearly attracted to Jim, making it almost 'love at first sight'. However, this openness was to be their undoing. Geoff Vampire entered the house, and while at first Man believed he was the novelty themed stripper, Geoff's lack of professionalism gave him away. Man called out Geoff, who then revealed himself to be a vampire, killed Woman, and, following a fight between Geoff, Man and Jim, the Vampire killed and mind-controlled both of the pair.

Under mind-controlEdit

Man was ordered to bury Woman in return for a pencil (which he apparently had a soft spot for). He, despite Woman's protests, dragged her through the house and shot her with his M9, before covering her in a sheet on the table. Man and Jim acted as Geoff's henchmen throughout his time at the house, and Geoff also drank their blood. It is unknown whether it was the blood-sucking, the killing and raising from the dead, or the tying to a chair (and forcing him to listen to light jazz) which made Man obedient, but he clearly had his free will suppressed. Man also began dressing in football gear and carrying round a baseball bat which he called 'Franco' as his weapon.

Van HelsinkiEdit

Man was still being mind-controlled when Van Helsinki arrived in the village. He first knew of it when Geoff 'poof'ed to him while he was eating and ordered him to 'jump to it' and stop Helsinki and Fay, who were assaulting the house. Man followed Van helsinki upstaris, and, while the ex-police officer was distracted by the arrival of Creepy Man, knocked him unsconsious with 'Franco'. Man and Jim then carried him outside, though whether this was to bring him to Geoff or to bury him in the garden is never explained.

Fay and the gunfightEdit


Man (right) and Jim shoot at Fay

Man and Jim were stopped, however, by the arrival of Van Helsinki's co-Geoff-hunter Fay. She instigated a gunfight with Man and Jim, which spilled out up the stairs, ending when Fay shot and 'killed' Man. Distraught at the injury of his love, Jim too was 'killed' by Fay, only for her to be knocked unconscious by Geoff himself. Man and Jim recovered, as all of Geoff's pawns did, from their 'death'.

Freedom from mind-controlEdit

Man and Jim accompanied Geoff into his lair, where he first mocked and then mind-controlled Van and Fay. When Svetlana arrived, Man was willing to leave until Geoff stopped him. He attempted to hit Svetlana, but instead took out Van Helsinki. Man was killed three times by Svetlana in this fight, and then was freed from Geoff's mind control by Svetlana destrying the console. He and Jim skipped off into an unknown but presumably happy life together.


Man does not seem to be too capable in ranged combat, judging from his performance against Fay (not using cover effectively, losing sight of the target) but this may just be as a result of the brainwashing. His close quarter fighting seems a little more effective, as seen against Geoff with a golf club, and also his skillful wielding of Franco the baseball bat.


Behind the scenes and triviaEdit

  • Man was played by Patrick 'Patch' Middleton in the film.
  • Man's actor himself named his baseball bat 'Franco' during filming.
  • It is never explained what the relationship between Man and Woman really is.
  • The original ending has a far most decisive ending for Man and Jim where it is definately seen that they go off together.
  • Word of St. Paul has it that Man was always gay, as his line 'I never loved you' being said to Woman means that he 'never loved Woman'. This is considered by some of the cast to be symbolic.