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SynopsisEdit

The scene opens with Ford and the Inspector greeting Van Helsinki upon his arrival outside the village. The two men start an argument which Professor Ford breaks up. Van is given the relevant information about the village and the case, including a picture of Geoff, about whom he clearly feels strongly. Professor Ford and Van have a close moment in which she warns him not to let it get 'personal'. Van nearly asks her out somewhere but baulks at the last moment, and, after loading up, he walks into the village. Meanwhile, Svetlana awakes locked in the pantry by Geoff. The scene then returns to Van Helsinki, who is standing deep in thought at the crossroads outside the village. We are treated to a recollection of the Løren Case, where Van was called in to deal with a Mr. Løren. It emerged that Geoff wanted his soul, but, in a fight between Helsinki and Vampire, Mr. Løren was killed, with his wife Esmé and his little daugther Fay being presumed dead. This event lead directly to Van being fired from the police force for his 'gung-ho misjudgements'.

ScriptEdit

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY



PROFESSOR FORD and INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE standing expectantly at the side of the road. A car pulls up and VAN HELSINKI gets out.



INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE

Where the hell do you think you've been Van Helsinki?




VAN HELSINKI

Shower, I needed a wash.




INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE

A likely story.



VAN HELSINKI

Oh really? And why would that be, Inspector?



INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE

I’ve seen your place; it’s one of the least hygienic places I’ve ever had the misfortune to inhale.



VAN HELSINKI

Hygiene? You wouldn’t know hygiene if it stood in front of you bollock naked slapping your ridiculous looking face in with a haddock.



INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE

Well, at least I have…



PROFFESOR FORD

(Interjecting) Gentlemen please! We have work to do.



VAN HESINKI

Indeed we do, thank you Professor Ford.



PROFESSOR FORD

But I'm not a professor.



VAN HELSINKI

I don't care of you're a professor or not, you're a professor to me. Now, where were we?



INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE

Well, we received a call last night from a house up in the village. A, number one Lestat house to be precise. Apparently a moist heinous crime was committed. We suspect murder in some degree.



VAN HELSINKI

Murder? There must be more to it than that, I wouldn't be here if it was so simple.




INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE

(Hesitantly)

Well you see...



PROFFESOR FORD

(Interjecting) No one has been to the village in years. Locals say it's haunted, and there have been... sightings...




VAN HELISKI

Sightings?



INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE

Take a look at these. It’s always been a troublesome place, but over the past week or so it’s been getting much worse.



PROFFESOR FORD hands VAN HELSINKI some photographs to look through. They show various supernatural things, a few comic things then one of GEOFF VAMPIRE. VAN HELSINKI pauses on the last picture.



VAN HELSINKI

(Whispered) Geoff… (To INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE; holding up the photo) And this was taken here too.



PROFESSOR FORD nods.



INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE

As far as we know yes. We've sent other officers in before and they've all come out raving mad. Ranting on about demons and the like, complete nonsense obviously but we thought we'd best call you, just to be on the safe side.



VAN HELSINKI

And my job is what exactly?



INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE

Get to the house, find out what happened, discover the source of the problem and eliminate it.



PROFESSOR FORD

Eliminate, with extreme tactfulness.



INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE

We don’t want another incident.



VAN HELSINKI murmurs approval then heads to the boot of the car and picks out a large bag. PROFESSOR FORD heads over to him.



PROFESSOR FORD

Van, things are going to get pretty rough in there, but you can't make this personal.



VAN HELSINKI

Personal? Why would this be personal?



PROFESSOR FORD

We all saw that last picture, we all know your history. Especially Inspector Someone-Who-Is-Not-David-Bowie. He cares about you, you know.



VAN HELSINKI

Hmph, he has a funny way of showing it.



PROFESSOR FORD

Well, that's just him I guess.



VAN HELSINKI

Look if I make it out of this...



PROFESSOR FORD

Come on, you will make it out, you always do.



VAN HELSINKI

Yeah, well, if I make it out of this, (pause) I don't know, maybe you wanted to...



PROFESSOR FORD

Yeah...



VAN HELSINKI

(Pause) Doesn't matter.



PROFESSOR FORD

You sure?



VAN HELSINKI

(Longer Pause) Yeah.



PROFESSOR FORD

Well take care of yourself.




VAN HELSINKI

Thanks.



VAN HELSINKI shuts the boot and heads off towards the village putting a hat on his head.



INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE

Van Helsinki!



VAN HELSINKI stops and turns around.




INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE

Good luck.



VAN HELSINKI merely nods and turns back walking slowly up to the village. The sky is a mixture of grey and ominous red.



INT. PANTRY - Night



SVETLANA'S eyes burst open suddenly. Only a small candle lights the room. SVETLANA stands up and looks around the room for a light. She eventually finds the switch and flicks it on. Her dress is now noticeably covered in blood. The room is full of unlabelled tins and broccoli. SVETLANA looks around worried. Eventually she stops, seeing a letter pinned

to the door. She goes over to letter and opens it. It reads, "Consider yourself now firmly in the captivity of my ominous self, Geoff Vampire. Vengeance shall be mine. Unlabelled tins and broccoli, oh what a bastard I am. *Quiet Malevolent Chuckle* P.s The jam sponge is rather nice."



SVETLANA

What a bastard.




EXT. VILLAGE - DAY VAN HELSINKI (VO)

Geoff. I knew that name, and hated it.



The cigarette falls from VAN HELSINKI’S mouth and he stamps on it as it hits the floor. He then starts off purposefully through the village.

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