Svetlana, with one of the swords

Svetlana was a friend of Jim's and a major character in Van Helsinki .

The HouseEdit

When the film opens, Jim and Svetlana were lost somewhere in a field behind the House. It was raining very heavily (possibly, suggests Word of St. Paul, due to Geoff's presence). The two saw a house, which they decided to call at for shelter. Much to their delight, the house, inhabited by Man and Woman, was expecting a novelty themed stripper. Svetlana decided to get changed out of her wet clothes, but when she came back downstairs, Geoff Vampire (who they believed was the novelty themed stripper) had revealed himself as a vampire and begun a fight with Man and Jim after killing Woman. Svetlana attempted to call for help, but could only report 'a most henious crime' before Geoff swooped on her.


Svetlana stacking unlabelled tins in the pantry


Svetlana was kept locked up in the pantry of Geoff's lair. She amused herself by building stacks of tins. Occasionally, Svetlana would escape, only for Geoff to swoop again and knock her out, returning her to the pantry. Geoff believed (for reasons unknown) that she was Fay Løren, and so kept her so he could use her to implament his unspecified scheme.


Svetlana eventually got out of the pantry, and hid from Geoff behind a curtain. There, she discovered three swords. Angered at Geoff's treatment of her, and the silly plot, Svetlana decided to act. She either had already or went through extreme training with the swords, and turned up at Geoff's lair just after Van Helsinki and Fay had been mind-controlled. She halted Geoff's countdown with one thrown sword.

The FightEdit


Svetlana, from the poster

Svetlana told Geoff to stop his stupid and silly plan, but when Geoff refused and set his pawns on her, Svetlana counter attacked. She 'killed', in quick succession, Jim, Woman and Man, then re-killed Man, Jim and Van Helsinki, knocked out Fay, re-killed Woman and then headbutted Fay. Geoff, left defenseless, 'poofed' away, leaving Svetlana to destroy his console, freeing everybody from mind control. They all promptly ran off, leaving her alone.



Svetlana is without a doubt the most deadly close-quarters combatant in the entire film. With two swords she defeats five enemies in an enclosed space, and 'kills' them all several times. She never even takes a hit during all of this action. Svetlana fights gracefully, though she isn't above resorting to more traditional brawling tactics (bodyslamming and headbutting come to mind) in a pinch.Where exactly she learned these skills is never explicitly stated in the film.

Behind the scenes and triviaEdit

  • Svetlana was played by Georgina Willows in the film.
  • Svetlana means 'light' in Russian, and this fits with the shots of her, white dres, white sword handles, framed in the shed doors. This was all intentional by the director.
  • Svetlana and Jim's relationshp is never really explained.
  • Svetlana, like most of the cast, originally had a slightly more fulfilling ending, but this was cut as 'too settled'.