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The transcript for the 'Original Ending' of Van Helsinki.

ScriptEdit

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT


FAY

Right then, we've had too many ridiculous sidetracks recently. Let's finish this for the last time, and fast.


VAN HELSINKI

Right, and remember Geoff Vampire is mine.


FAY

Gotcha.


VAN HELSINKI

OK, lets check the house.


The pair pull out a pistol each and look cool, before heading off in separate directions. Edgar Wright-esque sequence of door opening and closing, then FAY and VAN HELSINKI return to their original position in the HALLWAY.


FAY

He's not here is he?


VAN HELSINKI

No.


FAY

Oh boobies.


CREEPY MAN enters. CREEPY MAN lifts up a tape recorder and presses play.


CREEPY MAN

(Through Tape Recorder) Need a hand?


CREEPY MAN presses stop on the tape recorder.


VAN HELSINKI

No, but thanks anyway.


CREEPY MAN writes a tally on his hand and begins to walk off.


VAN HELSINKI

(To himself) Hold on. (To CREEPY MAN) Wait! Can you tell me where Geoff Vampire is now?


CREEPY MAN stops and turns round. He walks towards VAN HELSINKI and pulls the "Red Herring Church" matchbook out of VAN HELSINKI'S coat pocket and hands it to VAN HELSINKI. CREEPY MAN nods, smiles, then walks off, fading out as he goes.


VAN HELSINKI

Of course, the Red Herring Church.


FAY

Well I'm coming with you.


VAN HELSINKI

No, this something I must do alone. It's the place where all this began. And now the place where it all will end.


FAY

But we had a deal.


VAN HELSINKI

The deal’s off.





EXT. CHURCHYARD - NIGHT


Dramatic establishing shots of the church. There is thunder and lightning. VAN HELSINKI creaks open the churchyard gate and walks up the path. VAN HELSINKI enters the church.


INT. CHURCH - NIGHT


GEOFF VAMPIRE is sitting playing ominous organ music on a small portable keyboard at the far end of the church. He pauses as VAN HELSINKI enters.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

So you made it then.


VAN HELSINKI

Yeah. It’s odd being back here. After that fete I never thought I’d see this place again.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

I think they’ve put in some new pews as well.


VAN HELSINKI

Hmm, I’m not sure, I think they’ve just renovated the old ones.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

No, you see if you look here.


VAN HELSINKI

Uh huh.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

The old pews never had those. They’re definitely new.




VAN HELSINKI

Ah yeah, I guess you’re right. Hm.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

Well I guess this is it then, we both know that we can't both leave here alive.


VAN HELSINKI

It doesn't have to be like this, we're not that different you and I.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

Bullshit. I'm a homicidally evil vampire alien thing who is hell bent on Machiavellian schemes whereas you are the heroic demon hunting anti-hero.


VAN HELSINKI

I didn't mean that.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

Oh this is about that time I won the cuddly duck at the fair and you didn't isn't it. All this, everything you’ve ever done simply for that duck. The countless lives that have been lost, the hoardes of hearts you’ve broken. All for that one duck?


VAN HELSINKI

It was a very nice duck.

GEOFF VAMPIRE

Tough tits tax man. I won it fair and square.


VAN HELSINKI

The hell you did.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

Did too.


VAN HELSINKI

Did not.


The pair starts advancing towards each other.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

Did too.


VAN HELSINKI

Did not.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

Did too.


VAN HELSINKI

Did not.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

Did too.


VAN HELSINKI

Did not.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

Did too.


VAN HELSINKI

Did not.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

Did too.


VAN HELSINKI

Did not.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

Did too.




VAN HELSINKI

Did not.


The pair are now right next to each other.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

Of course I did and you know it.


VAN HELSINKI

I guess you're right. I suppose I'll just be off then...


VAN HELSINKI turns to leave.


VAN HELSINKI

(Continuing).... Oh wait! Eat stake motherfucker!


VAN HELSINKI quickly spins round and goes to slap GEOFF VAMPIRE with the steak. GEOFF VAMPIRE is to quick and merely punches him in the face. VAN HELSINKI staggers backwards, bleeding from the nose before falling over.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

Oh come on. Did you really thing it would be that easy?


GEOFF VAMPIRE walks over and drags VAN HELSINKI to his feet.




GEOFF VAMPIRE

That was pathetic.


GEOFF VAMPIRE punches VAN HELSINKI to the floor again. VAN HELSINKI struggles to get up.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

I’ve seen elderly asthmatic sloths with quicker reactions than you.


GEOFF VAMPIRE kicks VAN HELSINKI


GEOFF VAMPIRE

Come on! Hit me with your best shot!


GEOFF VAMPIRE slams Van Helsinki into a pew.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

Paint me like you paint your French women!


GEOFF VAMPIRE punches VAN HELSINKI


GEOFF VAMPIRE

Wop de doddle.


GEOFF VAMPIRE beats VAN HELSINKI.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

What’s wrong? Have your pop tarts popped to soon?


GEOFF VAMPIRE draws VAN HELSINKI up to head height.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

I’m going to enjoy this.


GEOFF VAMPIRE goes to bite VAN HELSINKI’S neck. There is a gunshot and a lamp explodes behind them. GEOFF VAMPIRE drops VAN HELSINKI. FAY is now standing in the doorway with a smoking gun.


FAYHalt. You foul beast of the night.


FAY unloads a clip into GEOFF VAMPIRES chest. He stays perfectly still and looks mildly amused. He starts laughing. VAN HELSINKI starts to stand up behind him but GEOFF VAMPIRE merely slaps him down casually.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

First rule of vampire slaying darling. Bullets do bugger all. Now let me finish the job I started all those years ago.


GEOFF VAMPIRE starts laughing to himself and advances on FAY, who begins to back away.


VAN HELSINKI

FAY!

VAN HELSINKI throws his steak up. FAY then pulls out her stake, stabs it through the steak in mid air and then into GEOFF VAMPIRE. There is a big effects shot and the night turns back to day. FAY (who is now kneeling down by GEOFF VAMPIRE who is lying on the floor with the steak in his chest) stands up taking the stake with her.


GEOFF VAMPIRE

Oh, I am slain.


As GEOFF VAMPIRE dies, a cuddly duck rolls from his hand.


FAY

Is that poetic justice enough for you?


FAY drops the stake and runs over to VAN HELSINKI.


FAY

Are you all right?


VAN HELSINKI grunts and hauls himself to his feet, picks up the cuddly duck and starts to head off, he pulls out a phone and puts it to his ear. PROFESSOR FORD enters in split-screen.


VAN HELSINKI

Hey Professor.


PROFESSOR FORD

Van? Is that you? Are you all right?




VAN HELSINKI

Yeah yeah, I’m fine. Look, it’s all over now. I got him.


PROFESSOR FORD

(Relieved sigh) Well then, are you coming in?


VAN HELSINKI

No, after all this I’m going for a drink.


PROFESSOR FORD

Mind if I join you?


VAN HELSINKI

(Pause) (With a smile) Sure.


VAN HELSINKI hangs up.


EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY


INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE and PROFESSOR FORD are standing in the road and PROFESSOR FORD hangs up.


INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE

Who was that?


PROFESSOR FORD

It was Van. He says it’s all over.


INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE

Oh, good good. You have permission to leave Miss Ford.


PROFESSOR FORD

Well I’ll see you around then sir.


PROFESSOR FORD exits. INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE pulls a phone out of his pocket and rings it. OPERATORPOLICE OPERATOR enter the scene in split screen.


POLICE OPERATOR

'Ello, 'ello 'ello, hand hwaht may hi hask his going hon ‘ere then?


INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE

It’s me. We’re just about all tied up this end.


OPERATOR

Who is it?


POLICE OPERATOR

It’s the inspector, he says they’re all done their end.


OPERATOR

Ah good good, send my regards.


OPERATOR exits.


POLICE OPERATOR

Ok inspector, no problem. So I’ll be seeing you at Sebastian’s at four then?




INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE

You will indeed. Toodle-oo.




INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE hangs up.




INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE

Right, now where did I put those pineapple fritters?




INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE exits. The camera zooms out revealing MANWOMANJIMSVETLANA and CREEPY MAN all standing about.


WOMAN

I suppose someone is going to have clean all this up aren't they?


MAN

Yes dear, well volunteered. Come on Jim.


MAN turns and leaves hand in hand with JIM. They are being playfully romantic and giggling.


WOMAN

Wait what, you can't just leave me.


SVETLANA

Goodness me! Is that the time? My hair won’t wash itself you know.


SVETLANA exits.


WOMAN

Oh come on! One of you surely?


CREEPY MAN, who is now holding a dustpan and brush, raises the tape recorder and presses play.


CREEPY MAN

(Through Tape Recorder) Need a hand?


WOMAN turns to CREEPY MAN.


WOMAN

Oh piss off.


Cut to black. Cool credits sequence.

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