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The Raid

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CharactersEdit

SynopsisEdit

Van Helsinki and Fay arrive at Geoff's house's door. They knock. Geoff and Jim are looking for the escaped Svetlana, and Jim gets the door. Van simply shoots him, and Fay shoots him again to make sure. The two confront Geoff, who, after a brief exchange of words, 'poofs' as Van tries to shoot him. Van and Fay split up to hunt him down, with Van going upstairs. After a chance encounter with the Creepy Man, van is knocked unconscious by Man armed with Franco.

ScriptEdit

EXT. HOUSE GATE - DAY



FAY and VAN HELSINKI arrive at the gate, both obviously well armed.



VAN HELSINKI

Right, as soon as we pass through this gate it's going to go very dark. Night time in fact.



FAY

Why?



VAN HELSINKI

It's a very complicated matter that boils down to the fact that he's a vampire, and therefore it must be night time.



FAY

But you’re wearing sunglasses.



VAN HELSINKI

With observational powers like that, you could be an owl. You’re not an owl are you?



FAY

No.



VAN HELSINKI

Right then, let’s go.



As soon as they cross the gate it becomes night.



EXT. FRONT DOOR OF HOUSE - NIGHT



VAN HELSINKI and FAY run up to the door and stop. VAN HELSINKI knocks on the door.



INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT



GEOFF VAMPIRE is searching frantically for something in the hallway.



GEOFF VAMPIRE

Damn, where is she?



There is another loud knock on the door.



GEOFF VAMPIRE

Jim! Get the door, I need to find that girl, she is a crucial piece in my Machiavellian scheme of cunning revenge.



JIM enters the HALLWAY and heads towards the door. He opens the door.



VAN HELSINKI

Say hello to Norty Nigel!



VAN HELSINKI shoots JIM with a shotgun and JIM flies backwards hitting the floor with a loud crash. GEOFF VAMPIRE, who is at the foot of the stairs, looks back

suddenly. VAN HELSINKI and FAY enter the house to dramatic distorted guitar music. JIM starts to get up again but FAY shoots him again, she steps in front of VAN HELSINKI, looking at GEOFF VAMPIRE.



FAY

(At GEOFF)

You!



GEOFF VAMPIRE

I'm sorry what. Who are you again?



FAY

My name is Fay. Fay Loren. You killed my father, now you must die.



GEOFF VAMPIRE

What? But you can't be. I mean if you're Fay, then who do I have, or had, in that basement downstairs?



INT. ARMOURY - NIGHT



SVETLANA has finally reached the swords. She picks one up admiringly and tries it out.



INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT



GEOFF VAMPIRE

Hmm, I wonder who she is.



VAN HELSINKI

(Moving round FAY)

I don't know. Why don't you try asking me.



GEOFF VAMPIRE

You!



VAN HELSINKI

Yes...



VAN HELSINKI flips up the shotgun in a reloading motion and holds it up pointing towards GEOFF VAMPIRE.



VAN HELSINKI

.... Me.



VAN HELSINKI fires but GEOFF VAMPIRE quickly disappears in a

puff of smoke.







INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT



GEOFF VAMPIRE appears in a puff of smoke next to MAN who was sitting down eating.



GEOFF VAMPIRE

This is no time to eat Man! There two homicidal maniacs at the front door. Jump to it!



MAN jumps up and runs out.



GEOFF VAMPIRE

Oh dear, it's all gone horribly wrong.



GEOFF VAMPIRE takes MAN’S place and starts eating.



INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT



VAN HELSINKI

Right, you take this floor; I'll take the upstairs. If you see anything let me know.



FAY

Got it.



The pair split up.



EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY



PROFESSOR FORD

It's getting a bit cold now isn't it?



INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE

Yes, yes it is.



PROFESSOR FORD

I might put on another jumper.



INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE

Good plan, I might do that as well actually. Rich tea?




INT. UPSTAIRS - NIGHT



Spooky music is playing while VAN HELSINKI is creeping slowly around looking in rooms etc. One of the rooms contains the stirring teapots. Suddenly all the lights go off. VAN HELSINKI lights a match. Suddenly all the lights come back on. CREEPY MAN is standing behind VAN HELSINKI; VAN HELSINKI turns round. CREEPY MAN lifts up a tape recorder and presses play.




CREEPY MAN

(Through Tape Recorder) Need a hand?



CREEPY MAN presses stop on the tape recorder.



VAN HELSINKI

What?! Um no, not really pal. Now really isn't the best time.



CREEPY MAN nods, writes a tally on his arm and walks off round the corner. VAN HELSINKI watches him go.



VAN HELSINKI

What an odd fellow. Hm.



MAN, who is carrying a baseball bat enters behind VAN HELSINKI and knocks him out.

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