- Van Helsinki
- Fay Løren
- Creepy Man
- Inspector Somone-Who-Is-Not-David-Bowie
- Professor Ford
- Geoff Vampire
The scene opens with Van Helsinki walking through the village. He is attacked by and defeats two tumbleweeds, then recieves a phone call from a mysterious stranger who tells him to meet her at the picnic tables and to 'bring sandwich pickle'. As he is leaving the phone box, Van encounters the Creepy Man who ask if he 'needs a hand'. Upon Van's declination, the Creepy Man leaves as suddenly as he arrived. The scene then cuts to the Inspector and Ford watching the events going on from outside the village. The Professor reassures the Inspector that Van is getting on 'fine', 'like he always does'. We now see Svetlana waking again and finding Man tied to a chair in football gear. He seems in no hurry to escape, and as Svetlana turns to go, Geoff appears again...
The place didn’t seem right, even for what it was. They say when you get into a fight once too many, you get a kind of sixth sense for these sorts of things. And I can tell you this place as sure as hell wasn’t friendly. It was one of typical lost it all border villages, but there was something else, something darker. In a lane some teapots stirred.
Shot of stirring teapots. VAN HELSINKI watches some tumbleweed flies past. He shoots it.
He then looks up as another piece hits him in the face. Van opens fire on the tumblewed, killing it, then scatters it's body across the road.
(Voice-Over) Just then the phone rang.
The phone box next to him rings. VAN HELSINKI looks quizzically at it and then goes inside. He pauses at the handset and then picks it up.
(Voice On Phone) Are you the novelty themed stripper?
(Voice On Phone) I said, are you the novelty themed stripper?
No, I am not a novelty themed stripper.
(Voice On Phone) Oh, well then I guess you'd better just go on and turn around. There ain’t nothing for you here.
Well some of us have got a job to do. Who is this anyway?
(Voice On Phone) Look across the street.
VAN HELSINKI looks up; there is no one there.
(Voice on phone)
No, the other way.
FAY is standing on the opposite side of the street holding a phone.
(Voice On Phone) If you want to know more meet me at the picnicking area in 20 minutes. Bring sandwich pickle.
The line goes dead. VAN HELSINKI hangs up the phone. He looks up and spots a matchbook on top of the phone. He picks it up and looks at it. It has the words "Red Herring Church" and the silhouette of a woman on the front. VAN HELSINKI opens it up and inside is several matches and a hastily scrawled telephone number. He looks carefully at this and then pockets the matchbook. He leaves the phone box and is confronted by CREEPY MAN (jump moment (hopefully)). CREEPY MAN lifts up a tape recorder and presses play.
(Through Tape Recorder) Need a hand?
CREEPY MAN presses stop on the tape recorder.
Um no, not really pal.
CREEPY MAN nods, writes a tally on his arm and walks of round the corner.
VAN HELSINKI runs after CREEPY MAN but when he turns the corner CREEPY MAN has vanished.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY
How do you think he's doing in there?
I'm sure he's doing fine. Like he always does.
Yes, like he always does. Custard cream?
INT. PANTRY - NIGHT
SVETLANA is struggling to open a tin. She tries many things before throwing it at the door. Much to her surprise it opens. SVETLANA walks tentatively outside, she is now in a dimly lit corridor with stairs at the end. She proceeds tentatively towards the stairs and begins to ascend them. She is now in the HALLWAY. She goes through to the kitchen and picks up a large knife. She looks at it carefully then notices something out of the corner of her eye. It is a spatula. She picks it up and smiles, leaving the room brandishing it as if it were a knife. SVETLANA is back in the HALLWAY, from up the stairs there is a light and noise can be heard. She slowly ascends the stairs approaching the room where the light is coming from. She slowly opens the door and goes inside. MAN is tied to a chair in the middle of the room wearing football kit and a woolly hat. He is gently humming along to some jazzy music and flashing lights, which are being played in front of him. SVETLANA rushes forward to try and untie MAN.
Come on we've got to get you out of here quick!
No, I'm happy here.
But he's tied you up. (Beat) Tied you up, dressed you in football kit and made you listen to light jazz.
And? I'm quite happy here actually. Well, so long as he doesn’t start playing any Gillespie Sullivan. (Quiet chuckle at himself)
I was always partial to Roy Rogers actually.
SVETLANA gets up to leave. She turns round and finds GEOFF VAMPIRE in her way. There is a roll of thunder.