- Fay Løren
- Van Helsinki
- Geoff Vampire
- Inspector Someone-Who-Is-Not-David-Bowie
- Professor Ford
Fay is hunting downstairs for Geoff, when she find 'dead' Woman. Fay prtomptly shoots Woman as the latter tries to attack her. Suddenly, Jim and Man, carrying an unconscious Van Helsinki, enter. Fay starts a gunfight with the two, which carries on out of the kitchen and up the stairs, There, Fay shoots and 'kills' Man and Jim, but is herself knocked out by Geoff armed with a frying pan. Fay and Van are taken down to Geoff's lair. geoff has them tied to chairs, and explains that he needs Fay to continue her fathers work, and that in mere moments they will all be transported to his home galaxy of Strevenage. He also reveals he is not a vampire, but instead is an alien, much to Fay's surprise. He then straps them up to his brainwashing machine, and turns them into unwilling slaves, and then begins his teleporter countdown...
INT. DRAWING ROOM - NIGHT
FAY is looking around the drawing room: in cupboards, behind curtains, underneath pianos etc. She then moves into the HALLWAY and out into the kitchen. She opens the fridge to find it full of cartons of tomato soup. There is a rumbling noise from the kitchen table, it is coming from a bag of compost, FAY walks over cautiously. WOMAN'S hand emerges from the bag, followed by her whole body. WOMAN is looking considerably battered and dirty.
I told you I wasn't dead, bitch!
WOMAN makes a lunge for FAY, who dodges and shoots WOMAN.
Un-dead that, bitch.
You?! Does no one around here know when to just die!
JIM and MAN drop VAN HELSINKI, pulling out pistols. They fire at FAY who takes cover then returns fire. A gunfight ensues. It is a good one. MAN goes down, JIM looks concerned and worried, and FAY this opportunity to shoot him too.
Now stay down.
GEOFF VAMPIRE appears behind FAY and taps her on the shoulder. She turns around and he hits her in the face with a frying pan.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY
INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIEINSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE is dipping a biscuit in his tea and eating it.
Inspector look! I think there's been a development.
Really? Let's have a look.
PROFESSOR FORD hands over a pair of binoculars and INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE looks through them.
Oh yes, it seems the villain of this show has all the pieces in play and is about to reveal his master plan. We must be near the final act.
INSPECTOR SOMEONE-WHO-IS-NOT-DAVID-BOWIE hands back the binoculars and takes a drink form his mug.
INT. SHED - NIGHT
Establishing shots of the shed, one wall is covered in Sci-Fi control panels, instruments, monitors, cables, wires etc. In front of this sits GEOFF VAMPIRE on a swivel chair. Tied up in front of GEOFF VAMPIRE is FAY and VAN HELSINKI with MAN and JIM standing guard. GEOFF VAMPIRE turns round ominously in his chair laughing malevolently as he does.
Well, well, well. How the mighty have fallen. It seems that you are once again mine Van Helsinki.
JIM hands GEOFF VAMPIRE a pair of leather gloves, which he then uses to slap VAN HELSINKI.
You’ll pay for insolence Geoff. I’ve let you go once to many times before, now I’m back to finish the job.
We shall see, and I think you’ll find it was me letting you get away, and I tend not to make the same mistakes twice. And here we have the inimitable Fay, come to avenge her father's death.
You took away my father. You took away my life! I can no longer allow you to live you mangled, onion-eyed strumpet.
(Sigh) Look dear, I kill a lot of people, you really shouldn't take this kind of thing personally.
FAY spits in GEOFF VAMPIRE'S face. GEOFF takes it graciously then licks it off his face.
Ah, passion fruit.
GEOFF VAMPIRE turns away.
(Whisper to FAY)
GEOFF VAMPIRENo matter, shortly you will all be transported back my home galaxy of Stevenage and my plan shall finally be complete. The events your father set in motion all those years ago will finally be completed with deathly justice by yourself Miss Loren. In a kind of poetic justice way, I could accept no one else. Which is actually rather embarrassing how I kept that other girl locked up for so long.
Wait, stop, slow down. You mean to say that you're not really a vampire but you’re actually an alien?
(As if it were obvious)
Well yes, it's not as if vampires really exist.
Everyone except for FAY starts laughing.
Ok! I get it, I get it. You're an alien. And you've been trying to find me and kill me all these in order finish of something my father started?
Bang on. Your father was a good man, but unfortunately gambled with wrong man. Me. He owed me his life, but as complications arose I had to kill him. However in order to square everything, I shall now have to take you instead. Now gents, seeing as that's all cleared up, if you wouldn't mind attaching these two to the machine, we’ll soon be on our way.
MAN and JIM start attaching many wires to FAY and VAN HELSINKI.
Geoff, you buggershop! You'll never get away with this!
Oh really, even if I were to do this?
GEOFF VAMPIRE flicks a lever on the control panel. Large amounts of electricity surge through the wires electrocuting FAY and VAN HELSINKI. The electricity stops and VAN HELSINKI and FAY sit there like a pair of lemons. They have an almost zombified expression.
Now, stand up.
VAN HELSINKI and FAY stand up obediently although it is obvious they are trying to resist.
GEOFF VAMPIRE (continuing)
I'm surprised you didn't wonder about Man and Jim here, they really are rather obedient now. Look. Jim, jump through the hoop.
MAN holds up a hoop and JIM jumps through it.
GEOFF VAMPIRE (continuing)
You see Van Helsinki, this time I hold all the cards and there's nothing you can do to stop me. Engage countdown procedure!
A mechanical voice accompanies a countdown from 10 on the control panel. It is very un-dramatic, however as it counts down more and more lights start flashing and more sounds can be heard and get louder. The countdown reaches 6.
This all does seem rather dull for a climactic countdown doesn’t it.