Van Helsinki: The Big Cheese is a fanfiction posted on which details an assassination attempt made against Inspector Someone-Who-Is-Not-David-Bowie by a mysterious assassin.




The Inspector is lying awake one night, reflecting on how both Sophia and Professor Ford have been attacked, when he himself is attacked by a knife-wielding would-be assassin. The Inspector puts up a good fight, but the assassin gains the upper hand. However, Van Helsinki bursts into the Inspector's bedroom and shoots the assassin, causing him to fall out of the window. Professor Ford goes to check on the Inspector, who is pleased that 'the old team was back in action'.

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