- Van Helsinki
- Inspector Someone-Who-Is-Not-David-Bowie
- Professor Ford
- Cannibals (original characters)
Van Helsinki, drunk and drugged up, is contacted by the Inspector. The two meet in a bar, and Van is apparently given a mysterious case, even though he is technically fired from the police force. He investigates, and is forced to kill several attackers, one of whom shoots him with a shotgun. Van eventually passes out, and is stabilised by the Inspector and Ford. Van explains his attackers were cannibals, and that he wants to be sober the next time they give him a case. He then faints.