This fanfiction has been designed Dubious Canon by Word of St. Paul. This means that while aspects of the fanfic may be true, the overall fanfiction is not considered canon, nor should it be included on any pages besides its own without mentioning this.

Van Helsinki: What If is a fanfiction posted on It explores an alternative timeline for Van Helsinki following the premise that Van Helsinki's M1911 jammed following his capture by Man and Jim, and continues the story thereafter. Fay, Inspector Someone-Who-Is-Not-David-Bowie and Professor Ford play large parts in the story.



The story opens with Fay and Van outside the house, post-brainwashing. Van tried to shoot Fay, but his gun is jammed. Fay returns fire and kills Van Helsinki. She realises she doesn't know where the 'Red Herring Church' is, so she goes back inside to talk to the house-owners. Woman, Man and Jim agree to go with Fay to kill Geoff, but Svetlana stays put. The narrative cuts to Professor Ford who has seen Fay shoot Van. She has a flashback to her previous history with Van, and their shared experiences together. Ford vows vengeance on Fay. The narrative then switches to Geoff, who is waiting for Van Helsinki in the churchyard. Fay and the rest tun up instead and inform the Vampire that Van is dead. They fight and Man, Woman and Jim are killed. Geoff gains the upper hand on Fay, who wins by shooting her foe with a spring-loaded stake-dart. The Inspector and Ford turn up at the church and a gunfight between them and Fay ensues. The Inspector exposes himself, hoping to let Ford shoot Fay, but instead he is killed. Ford does manage to disarm Fay and break her fingers, and both women run out of bullets. A fight ensues which Ford wins due to Fay's exhaustion and broken fingers. Fird eventually kills Fay by smashing her face in with Van's jammed 1911. She leaves the scene, and a semi-epilogue tells of the 'Geoff Case' and Ford's disappearence two months later.

Similarities/ call-backs to the original Van HelsinkiEdit

  • Jim and Man are making out when first introduced, and they skipped off hand in hand at their last appearance in the film.
  • Womans complaints about Geoff echo Man's complaints after he finds out Geoff is not a novelty themed stripper.
  • The Inspector tells Ford not to let the case get personal in exactly the same way Ford tells Van Helsinki before he enters the village.
  • The Inspector is given a gun before they set off. He is seen in the first appearance on film with a gun he clearly hasn't used before.
  • Ford wonderd about Van calling her 'professor', the title which she denied in the film.
  • Geoff is playing a keyboard in the churchyard, just like the film.
  • Geoff's dialogue when Fay tries to shoot him is exactly what he says to Van who also tries to shoot him in the film.
  • Man and Jim are armed with the mop and bat they wield in the film.
  • Man and Jim hold hands when they die, just as they did when Fay 'killed' them in the film.
  • Geoff calls Fay a 'little passion fruit' just as he did in the film.
  • The fanfic remarks on how different characters pronounced Løren.
  • Some of Fay and Ford's fight is reminicient of the way Geoff and Van fight in the film.
  • Ford's line 'Say hello to Colty, motherfucker' references the fact the gun Van used was nicknamed 'Colty' by the crew, and also references Van's lines of 'Say hello to Norty Nigel and 'Eat stake motherfucker'.
  • The rain falling at the end with Ford limping away is a refence to the way rain falls when Van limps away from Geoff.
  • Ford's line at the end (and the Operator character) refence the Original Ending of Van Helsinki.
  • The naming of the case as the Geoff Case refences the Løren Case from Van's backstory.

Potential Canon IssuesEdit

While the fanfic is alternative reality, some of the overlaps can be seen as 'real canon' and thus need to be questioned if unsupported.

  • The fanfic claims Ford's first name is Jenny.
  • It says that Ford and Van had long phone conversations and once even went drinking together.
  • It argues that Ford and the Inspector had a discussion about Van's capability of mind before the call was made to him.
  • It argues that the Inspector worried hat one day he might have to kill Van.
  • It argues Fay had both a ballistic stake and a USP Compact on her person which were never seen or used in the film.
  • It argues both the Inspector and Ford were skilled with guns and shooting.
  • it says that Ford carried a Glock pistol never seen in the film.
  • It says the Inspector had a bullet-proof vest on during the events in the village.

In light of other fanfictionsEditEdit

Comparing What If to the other fanfictions clarifies some issues supported and others disproven.


  • Jenny Ford's name occurs in various other fanfictions.


  • Van and Ford are only specified as going drinking once, much later in the canon, and it is indicated to be the first time.
  • The discussion about Van's capablibilty of mind seems highly unlikely given we know from Van Helsinki: Wasting that the force had used him for cases before.